Another tough loss for the boys in blue rounds out their pretty poor play for the month of October. The Colts decided to not start playing until the second half of the game, which somehow didn’t work as a strategy. The Colts did fight back hard to get to within one score when the second half rolled around, but it was to no avail. Terrible play calling, lost fumbles from Griff Whalen, and idiotic penalties were the theme for the week. What’s new? This game really reminded me of something. It reminded me I have to link this movie to a horror movie because I forced myself into this scenario for the month. I then correlated it to a movie that fit that criteria by not thinking at all and just throwing out a movie and themes from this game to see what sticks on this page. I chose the 2012 brilliance known as The Cabin In the Woods. Here’s how I asininely connected the two forms of entertainment and decided to present them to the half dozen readers of this series.
Movie Synopsis:
This wonderful little pastiche on the “venture out to the middle of nowhere” genre of horror movies not only brings real scares, but injects the audience with humor that few horror movies have accomplished before or since. Just think of any movie where 5-6 teenagers embark on a journey into a barely inhabited area and see people just outside the town that tell them not to go there, but they go anyways because who takes advice? Then they go places or do something that they shouldn’t and they all start dying except for the final survivor (usually the virgin girl) and then credits roll. The Cabin In the Woods pokes fun of this formula and turns it on its head by having a company forcing these kids to do so because there are vengeful angry Gods that require the blood of a virgin, jester, slut, brainiac, and jock in exchange for not destroying the world in an annual event. So this company unleashes horrors on the teens, keeps them stuck in the woods, and helps guide them to their doom. Every country in the world has one of these companies, but only one has to succeed for the world to be okay. With the US being the last remaining hope for the world to not be crumbled the virgin is meeting her doom. The tide turns when the jester character comes back from not actually being dead and saves the virgin’s life and unknowingly endangers everyone else’s meaningless lives. Together they discover the madness that is this crazy game that is played with human lives and decided to not die for the cause, thus killing every person on the planet. Dicks. I mean they would’ve died in either scenario. Why not save billions of people in the process? Total dicks.
How it was like week 7:
Well, this week was like The Cabin In the Woods because the plan starts out so brilliantly, but quickly unravels. There is a huge struggle to fight back and instead of doing the right thing by the end the team decided to just roll over and die. If I had to recast this movie using only players I would choose the following:
The Virgin: Andrew Luck – Not always making the best decisions, but is continuously put into a terrible position by a control center (Pep Hamilton). Still made some smart plays, but early mistakes got us into the early mess we were in.
The Jester: Pat McAfee – The team’s comedian and saving grace. Is completely under appreciated for the skills that are brought to the group and is the only one that seems to do their job every single time out. He nearly saved the virgin in the end, but they both went out together.
Slut: Frank Gore – The first to die. Not inherently a bad person, but serves the purpose of being “flashy” (get it?) in the beginning and then being relegated to death…or just the bench. Let the slut live for once!
Brainiac: T.Y. Hilton – Two very long touchdowns. Had the smarts to get it done, but was hampered with a lot luck on those scoring plays. His selflessness is what gets him killed. He is a humble guy, but hasn’t stood out as a #1. He needs to get a lot more ruthless and selfish if he wants to be elite and survive this monstrous scenario.
Jock: Ryan Grigson – Thinks he is big and bad and smart and good looking. Full of himself and doesn’t understand that he is the liability that will get everyone killed. He is the one person that always suggests, “Let’s split up. That’ll make sure we all live.” If the screaming match between Grigson and owner Jim Irsay in the locker room after the game is true then hopefully Grigson’s self-importance gets him axed (another solid pun by me) in the near future.
Monsters: Griff Whalen – He was there to kill the team, right?
This movie sounds just as solid as the actual movie with this cast.
Week 7 was a mess at the start and when heads were removed from posteriors it became a winnable situation. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough time left on the clock and the team couldn’t get it done. It is almost like they were honestly living out the played out formulaic style of the genre that is the “lost in the ___” genre of horror. The difference between the Saints game and The Cabin In the Woods is this game didn’t break the mold and it wasn’t funny. It was scary though…so they accomplished eliciting some emotion out the fans. I’m sure we’ll see a sequel this coming week when we face another NFC South team in the Carolina Panthers. I hope they decide to crack the code the moment they get to the cabin this time and don’t screw around until just before the credits roll this time.
